Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
An Excerpt From Something Thought Long Dead
This was inspired by a riveting conversation I had on the phone last Saturday.
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A Small Shard of The Curling Story
"No, you don't get it, this is actually very important," Wally persists. But try as he might, the receptionist just doesn't seem to agree.
"It's not."
Wally pinches the bridge of his nose between his index finger and thumb and sighs.
"Okay, you keep saying that, but-"
"Why did you call here, anyway?"
Wally takes a deep breath. This conversation is not going at all like he planned. Not. At. All.
"Look, I've told you. A few times, actually. There's reason to believe that a heavily militarized machine would drastically benefit the defense of this country. It would absolutely revolutionize the industry! You guys are into that, right? Calling war a business? I heard somewhere that you guys think that's cute."
"Ugh, I'll humor you, but only because I've been at work for the last 84 hours and I can't take another legitimate call. Theoretically speaking, a lone entity with a gun for a forearm would hardly be an improvement, it would be extremely inefficient and costly."
Wally suppresses an indignant cry.
"Are you even listening to yourself?? What kind of brain-dead drones do they have working down there at the base? 'Lone entity'! That makes it sound like a secret agent. I'm talking about a weaponized walking death machine, a 'mega man' as it were."
The idiocy of the nation's defense has driven Wally to a barely-containable frenzy at this point, and the utter lack of consideration for the concept of a Nintendo-style hero form of national defense frankly has him perturbed. I mean, come on.
"You do realize that pitting a single unit against an entire army has been tested by more than a few completely drunk generals and proved not only devastatingly detrimental to our cause, but also humiliating to the entire population of DinoSuck?*"
"Well duh, that was a Mario scenario. Some no-name so-and-so against "Doggy Time Ken"'s entire army, you should expect him to lose."
"Look, I only talked with you for this long because I'm that bored, but this has to stop. How did you even get this number? This is a secured line, no one is supposed to have access."
Wally casts a glance at Puffin, about to tell her how he had gotten him to tap into the line in return for a favor Wally did for him. Last week when everyone got pizza they had Wally ask to have the crusts cut off. It wasn't that they were afraid to talk to the ex-murderer running the pizza shop it's just that you've gotta feel like such a loser to ask anyone to cut the crusts of your pizza. Geez, man up, guys!
This is what Wally's about to tell her when he gets an ingenious idea. A sly grin spreads across his face.
"I had my Mega Man do it for me, " he whispers mysteriously.
Click.
Disheartened, Wally tosses his cell phone, not caring where it lands. This is in no way significant to the story, but the phone landed standing up. Wild, huh?
Flank calls over from the couch.
"Hey man, I told you, you should've flirted with her." Wally's eyes widen and he rushes back to his phone and smashes the redial button. Luckily, the same woman answers
"Hey, baber," Wally purrs seductively.
Click.
*DinoSuck's the name of the country. The renaming of the country was a result of Canada's defeat in the "Seriously Guys, We Declared War as a Joke" Wars in the early 2000's
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The actual conversation I had was no less stupid.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Small Shard of The Curling Story
"No, you don't get it, this is actually very important," Wally persists. But try as he might, the receptionist just doesn't seem to agree.
"It's not."
Wally pinches the bridge of his nose between his index finger and thumb and sighs.
"Okay, you keep saying that, but-"
"Why did you call here, anyway?"
Wally takes a deep breath. This conversation is not going at all like he planned. Not. At. All.
"Look, I've told you. A few times, actually. There's reason to believe that a heavily militarized machine would drastically benefit the defense of this country. It would absolutely revolutionize the industry! You guys are into that, right? Calling war a business? I heard somewhere that you guys think that's cute."
"Ugh, I'll humor you, but only because I've been at work for the last 84 hours and I can't take another legitimate call. Theoretically speaking, a lone entity with a gun for a forearm would hardly be an improvement, it would be extremely inefficient and costly."
Wally suppresses an indignant cry.
"Are you even listening to yourself?? What kind of brain-dead drones do they have working down there at the base? 'Lone entity'! That makes it sound like a secret agent. I'm talking about a weaponized walking death machine, a 'mega man' as it were."
The idiocy of the nation's defense has driven Wally to a barely-containable frenzy at this point, and the utter lack of consideration for the concept of a Nintendo-style hero form of national defense frankly has him perturbed. I mean, come on.
"You do realize that pitting a single unit against an entire army has been tested by more than a few completely drunk generals and proved not only devastatingly detrimental to our cause, but also humiliating to the entire population of DinoSuck?*"
"Well duh, that was a Mario scenario. Some no-name so-and-so against "Doggy Time Ken"'s entire army, you should expect him to lose."
"Look, I only talked with you for this long because I'm that bored, but this has to stop. How did you even get this number? This is a secured line, no one is supposed to have access."
Wally casts a glance at Puffin, about to tell her how he had gotten him to tap into the line in return for a favor Wally did for him. Last week when everyone got pizza they had Wally ask to have the crusts cut off. It wasn't that they were afraid to talk to the ex-murderer running the pizza shop it's just that you've gotta feel like such a loser to ask anyone to cut the crusts of your pizza. Geez, man up, guys!
This is what Wally's about to tell her when he gets an ingenious idea. A sly grin spreads across his face.
"I had my Mega Man do it for me, " he whispers mysteriously.
Click.
Disheartened, Wally tosses his cell phone, not caring where it lands. This is in no way significant to the story, but the phone landed standing up. Wild, huh?
Flank calls over from the couch.
"Hey man, I told you, you should've flirted with her." Wally's eyes widen and he rushes back to his phone and smashes the redial button. Luckily, the same woman answers
"Hey, baber," Wally purrs seductively.
Click.
*DinoSuck's the name of the country. The renaming of the country was a result of Canada's defeat in the "Seriously Guys, We Declared War as a Joke" Wars in the early 2000's
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The actual conversation I had was no less stupid.
Friday, January 14, 2011
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